One of the benefits of being an openly horrible feminist blogger is the opportunity to correspond with Women and Lesbians from all over the world (well, mostly the US, Canada, Australia and Europe, although I have regular readers in Saudi Arabia and India). I really do enjoy this, as it makes up for the regular deluge of death and rape threats I get from the peace-loving Trans folks and their cis allies. One of the most popular topics of these valued messages is how awful it is be a Lesbian trying to get a date in this Post Modern world.
I get it. Having met my three last girlfriends on Facebook (2) and OK Cupid (1), I find the whole dating in the 21st Century experience inhumane. How can you get to know someone by Facebook posts, or from an OK Cupid profile? Also, people lie and project – a fact that pretty much EVERYONE forgets when reading Facebook or looking for a date on OK Cupid (seriously, remember this – people lie, or may be using Facebook for purposes other than telling you all about themselves).
On OK Cupid – because it is explicitly cruisey – you need to be able to communicate WHO YOU ARE in a pithy way that will make you stand out from the rest. Here’s what I did (and this kept away the Queers, so HOORAY!)
In addition to the general awfulness of online dating, it has become a “gating issue,” apparently, that a Lesbian seeking to date not be “transphobic.”
This vow of non-transphobia takes at least two forms. First, the Lesbian seeking to date must affirm that she accepts trans women as women, or respects their right to identify as women, or accepts their right to penetrate women-only space. Second, the Lesbian seeking to date must affirm that she, actually, would have sex with a transwoman. I have experienced this in real life, when an ex-friend (let’s call him Kaiden/Braden/Jayden) interrogated me for hours about my unwillingness to declare that I would sleep with a mutual transwoman friend with a penis (seriously, this was a conversation. I eventually told him that he was disgusting and we are no longer friends).
If you aren’t willing to declare that you will date Ladystick on OK Cupid, you have to be really super sensitive to the feelings of poor transwomen by writing ads like this:
So, in response to Lesbian correspondents telling me about this thing that’s happening (which also makes sense in light of all the Cotton Ceiling discussions), I reactivated my OK Whatever Account to see exactly what they were talking about.
And yes! Page after page after page of Lesbians affirming that they accept transwomen as women and/or that they personally would date/have sex with a transwomen.
WHYYYYYYYY is this happening? Why has it become important for Lesbians – Women who love Women, and want intimate emotional and sexual relationships with Women – to declare their love of Ladystick, or to declare that they accept transwomen are women? Why on earth do Lesbians feel the need to mention this AT ALL in the context of a dating website where they are looking for another Woman to have nice times with?
Seriously, how enticing is it to “get to know” someone over email and have the following discussion:
“So, um, I see you aren’t transphobic.”
“Yeah, even though I am talking to you, I would totally date a person with a penis.”
I don’t know about YOU, but I call a person who will date/have sex with a person with a penis either (1) heterosexual or (2) bisexual. I would not call them Lesbian. And that’s fine. It doesn’t mean a Lesbian wants to date her.
And that’s also fine. Lesbians should not be shamed in their choice of who to date. Ever.
We need more options, OK Stupid. For those of us who want to avoid this stupidity of declaring our love of Ladystick, how’s about…
That way, the Lesbians can date each other, unmolested by the relentless demands placed on us by transwomen and their cis allies, and transwomen and their cis allies can love each other (have fun)!
Lesbians dating in 2013 need to know that it is OK to not want to date someone with a Penis.
That is, it is OK to be a Lesbian without qualification or apology or caveat. A Lesbian is a Female Gay who wants to date Females. If someone tells you that you are “Transphobic” because you don’t want to date a transwoman, they are an asshole. And not only are they an asshole, they are perpetuating a culture where access to Women’s bodies is demanded/expected/negotiable (we call that Rape Culture).
Oh, and also, it is ok to reject trans ideology – you will still find Women to date.
Just not on OK Cupid.